i have been loved before, yes, i will not pretend otherwise, but never like this; never with such patient, almost unreasonable tenderness, the tenderness of a man who goes on tending a garden that has given him, for all his trouble, mostly thorns.
i will tell you honestly how it began, since i see no reason to dress it up as something nobler than it was: it began with his looks. i noticed him the way one notices weather, suddenly, and with no say in the matter, tall, broad-shouldered, built like a man who has spent his life in motion rather than at rest, handsome in that plain, unbothered way that asks nothing of you and yet takes everything. there was a certain strength in the way he carried himself, an ease in his body that i found myself watching before i had even learned his name. i thought, foolishly, that this was the whole of it; that i had simply admired a strong pair of shoulders and would go on my way. i did not yet understand that i had only opened a door, and that something far larger was waiting patiently on the other side of it, in no hurry at all to be noticed.
for it is a slow thing, real love, slower than i ever gave it credit for. it does not arrive in a single evening, however much the poets insist that it does. it arrives the way morning arrives on a long winter night: imperceptibly, and then all at once, so that you cannot say afterward at which hour the dark actually ended. and so it was with him. past the face, past that first easy admiration for a body clearly made for effort and endurance, i began to see the rest of him, and the rest of him was what undid me. i saw that he remained, remained past every one of those small farewells i had hung out without even knowing i was hanging them: past my laughing at what deserved to be taken seriously, past the little walls i build for myself out of anger and half-truths, past that phrase i repeat like a superstition, “i don’t need anything from you,” when what i mean, what i have never once had the courage to say plainly, is that i am afraid; afraid of needing him and being left, afterward, with my hands quite empty.
and still he does not go. he comes instead with flowers, and flowers, and flowers, and flowers. held in those same strong hands, can you imagine how absurd, how wonderful, that anyone should still bring flowers to someone like me, with his hand resting so simply at my back, steady as a man used to holding his ground, and he says “very well” even when i am not ready, and never, not once, has he allowed my hesitation to feel like a debt i owe him.
i confess to you that i am moved by his persistence in a way i have no proper word for. to call it flattering would be to insult it; flattery is a light thing, pleased with itself, and this is something graver, stranger, something that humbles me entirely. it is like watching a man build, day after day, a bridge out to the island where i had shut myself up, knowing perfectly well that by evening i might set the whole thing on fire again out of pure fright. and yet he builds, with the same quiet stamina he seems to bring to everything he does. he goes on building, however long it takes him, however messily i resist being known.
and slowly, so slowly that i can hardly say when it began, i stopped standing at the shore, watching for the moment he would finally take his leave. i began, little by little, to unclench my hands. i began to suspect that “forever,” which i had always taken for a fairy tale invented to comfort children, might simply be the name for this: for the way he falls asleep still holding my hand, his grip loose but never quite letting go, for the way he remembered all the big and small fears i confessed to him once, half in passing, six months ago, for the way that being near him stopped feeling like a cage and started to feel like the first breath a man takes after years of holding it in, without knowing he was holding it at all.
is this what i had been looking for? not the easy, decorative kind of love that asks to be idealised, but the true and everlasting and entirely unglamorous kind, the kind that has seen the whole of me, thorns included, and has chosen, quite simply, to stay and love me fully.
he told me he had known from that very first evening we met. i am only now, at last, beginning to believe him. so thank you, thank you for loving me.
